Is Your Glass Half Full?

If you're like me, you've heard the "philosophical" question "Is the glass half empty or half full?"  I use the word "philosophical" because that is what a lot of people might categorize this question as.  I use quotes around the word "philosophical" because it is not a philosophical question.

No my dear friends, you have erred greatly over the years when either posing, commenting with, or even insinuating this question with any aim to determine a person's outlook on life.  Are they an optimist or pessimist? Capitalist or Communist? Really, you are taking this phrase the wrong way.

If you look to your right, you will see a .jpg of a glass that has some water in it.  No, on the screen Mr./Ms. Literal.  Now I ask you:

Is the glass on the right...
A.) Half Full
B.) Half Empty
C.) Not Enough Information


YOU FOOL! Or... you caught onto the point I'm trying to make and that is that there is not enough information based on the picture.  The answer is C.  A glass is not half empty or half full based on your view of the universe.

If you want to get literal about it, I suppose it is both, and in this case that is about all you can say.  All you have is the glass so it is both half full and half empty.  If you wanted to say one way or another there would have to be one more factor to this equation... what's the last change in the volume of water contained in the glass.

A glass that is "half full" is half way to being completely filled.  A glass that is "half empty" is half way to being emptied.  It's that simple people.  Just because I drink a glass of water and then set it down doesn't make me a pessimist if I say it is half empty.  These words describe the process the glass is undergoing, not my view of the universe.

Irrefutable evidence of your fail at the English language having been provided (thank you Ablative Absolute), I would like to suggest some alternatives you might use in lieu of this thing that really Grinds my Gears.


*Was the Twins' season 99 Losses (pessimist) or 63 Wins (optimist)?
*Is the Vikings' season 16 losses (pessimist) or 16 reasons to drink on Sunday (optimist)?
*Is Latin hard (pessimist) or does it have 2 fewer principal parts than Greek (optimist)?
*Is David Tennant done being the Doctor (pessimist) or...... or....... ok that sucks.
*Are the Packers fun to root for (pessimist) or are you simply not from Wisconsin (optimist)?

(please click "Wisconsin," you can finish out the whole clip if you want)

Okay, none of these are particularly half and half type of situations, and they're mostly sports cause I feel that's the best way to make fun of Wisconsin.  Still, the point is, this phrase doesn't have a "philosophical" meaning, so stop asking the question that way.  If you ask if my drink is half empty or half full, i'm saying half full.  Not because I'm an optimist, but because you better finish filling my damn drink up.


If you have any good half this half that ideas that belittle Wisconsin, Iowa or any other unprivileged group in America in order to truly express optimism vs. pessimism, please leave it in the comment section below.  You stay classy Minneapolis.