Is Your Glass Half Full?

If you're like me, you've heard the "philosophical" question "Is the glass half empty or half full?"  I use the word "philosophical" because that is what a lot of people might categorize this question as.  I use quotes around the word "philosophical" because it is not a philosophical question.

No my dear friends, you have erred greatly over the years when either posing, commenting with, or even insinuating this question with any aim to determine a person's outlook on life.  Are they an optimist or pessimist? Capitalist or Communist? Really, you are taking this phrase the wrong way.

If you look to your right, you will see a .jpg of a glass that has some water in it.  No, on the screen Mr./Ms. Literal.  Now I ask you:

Is the glass on the right...
A.) Half Full
B.) Half Empty
C.) Not Enough Information


YOU FOOL! Or... you caught onto the point I'm trying to make and that is that there is not enough information based on the picture.  The answer is C.  A glass is not half empty or half full based on your view of the universe.

If you want to get literal about it, I suppose it is both, and in this case that is about all you can say.  All you have is the glass so it is both half full and half empty.  If you wanted to say one way or another there would have to be one more factor to this equation... what's the last change in the volume of water contained in the glass.

A glass that is "half full" is half way to being completely filled.  A glass that is "half empty" is half way to being emptied.  It's that simple people.  Just because I drink a glass of water and then set it down doesn't make me a pessimist if I say it is half empty.  These words describe the process the glass is undergoing, not my view of the universe.

Irrefutable evidence of your fail at the English language having been provided (thank you Ablative Absolute), I would like to suggest some alternatives you might use in lieu of this thing that really Grinds my Gears.


*Was the Twins' season 99 Losses (pessimist) or 63 Wins (optimist)?
*Is the Vikings' season 16 losses (pessimist) or 16 reasons to drink on Sunday (optimist)?
*Is Latin hard (pessimist) or does it have 2 fewer principal parts than Greek (optimist)?
*Is David Tennant done being the Doctor (pessimist) or...... or....... ok that sucks.
*Are the Packers fun to root for (pessimist) or are you simply not from Wisconsin (optimist)?

(please click "Wisconsin," you can finish out the whole clip if you want)

Okay, none of these are particularly half and half type of situations, and they're mostly sports cause I feel that's the best way to make fun of Wisconsin.  Still, the point is, this phrase doesn't have a "philosophical" meaning, so stop asking the question that way.  If you ask if my drink is half empty or half full, i'm saying half full.  Not because I'm an optimist, but because you better finish filling my damn drink up.


If you have any good half this half that ideas that belittle Wisconsin, Iowa or any other unprivileged group in America in order to truly express optimism vs. pessimism, please leave it in the comment section below.  You stay classy Minneapolis.

99 is better than 100

If you're like me this was a rough summer for baseball.  Don't get me wrong, there was plenty of amazing action.  Game 162 was huge for the wildcard race in both the AL and NL and I got to fully flex my mlb.tv subscription with 4 games playing at once!

After watching the Twins drop so many games I will admit that I fell into a bit of a depression about baseball, but the playoffs are on now and I must say that I am very excited.  The Twins did pull through and win 3 of their last 4 to avoid losing their 100th game for only the second time in franchise history (see the abysmal 1982 season w/ 102 losses).

This gives me hope, hope for the future, hope that someday Minnesota baseball will return to form.  We've been playing the "if only we were healthy" card for too long.  Having said that, if we come back healthy next year and finally make some smart moves in the front office the Twins could bounce back in a big way next year.  I won't go into how or why because I'm writing this over break and haven't blogged in a month or so and just trying to get back into the swing of this, BUT... It makes me feel better about our prospects by saying we have a shot.

I am very much so looking forward to playoff baseball, Tampa is hot right now and the Yankees are hopefully dragging after that joke of a finish.  I really haven't paid attention to the National league so um....... yeah.

Well, this is another post, here is where I make a non-committal promise to continue posting more often now that life is blah...blah...blah.

Here's a "song of the day" for you to listen to so that this post has some multimedia to it.  Yay shiny things and Comedy Central.

I do apologize for the lack of real content to this post, [more false promises of future ones being better here].

If you've got an idea for a topic I could blog on, or want to enter our drawing for fabulous prizes, post something in the comments below.

If She Weighs as Much as a Duck...

If you're like me, you have never been accused of being a particularly good horse jockey.  This, of course, leads in perfectly to my discourse on the problem of self-contradiction.


Logic (from the Greek λογική), goes back to the days of cavemen.  Why else would the word be Greek?  Philosophers, mathematicians, and rock, paper, scissor champions have grappled at the workings of this abstract idea for millennia.  Taking on many forms, it reached its highest intellectual age during mid 70's in Britain.

I need not explain further so ... I won't.


I recently had an interesting go at logic myself.  You see my camera, which is digital, stores its pictures on an SD card.  Now I was wrong to say "an SD card" because S is a consonant, but "a SD card" just sounds weird.  When I go to plug this card into my computer it takes hours to either open the folder or copy the files to my computer.


I reasoned, that a logical person would get or at least try a new SD card.  This, I believe, counts as logic.  However, I have come upon a quandary.  Since I have not tried to get or even try a new SD card, logically I am not a logical person, but in deducing this I have proven myself to have a logical nature.  This troubled me greatly and I sought to meditate on this.   


Here my problems got worse.  I have never been able to meditate before, nor do I know how.  You can imagine how wracked my brain was as to what should be done about this impasse (I hate using French words so you can appreciate how vexed I am).


To cope with this and try to get some perspective, I decided to write things out in a blog and see what came to me... so um..... yeah.....


If you have logiced yourself to a headache or believe there is more to granola than meets the eye, leave a comment below and contribute to the engaging conversation that takes place on this blog.

Liam Neeson Will Attack You With All of His Weapons!

If you're like me, you have recently seen the action-adventure, romance, sci-fi, western, comedy, what-the-hell-is-this movie: "Cowboys and Aliens" starring Number 13, Indiana Jones, and Bond...Blonde James Bond.

 Now, I chalk it up to peer pressure that I went, what's your excuse?  I heard nothing but terrible things about this movie so I went in with pretty low expectations, and for the most part enjoyed it.  If you want a full review of this movie there are sites for that, I don't feel justified in review a movie that has been out as long as this for my mass of followers.  However, this movie, and more accurately a trailer to this movie, revealed an interesting but not unexpected look into the American movie-goer psyche: we like explosions!

Ever since the ancient Chinese gave the world fireworks as far back as the 7th Century (go Wikipedia!), explosions have fascinated the minds of Kings, Emperors, and the people on whose back they were sitting.  The "Ancient Chinese Secret" did not last however and now Americans have been blowing their fingers off ever since.

Not only do we like shiny fireworks, we get our kicks with what a three year old might call "big a-'sploshunz."  If you look at the film industry today, you don't even need a plot to rake in millions, you simply gotta blow (following adult content not suitable for children) "shit" up.  See: Battle for LA, Transformers 3, Cowboys and Aliens and now...........BATTLESHIP!

    

Go ahead and watch it, I'll wait.......

No I don't know the answer to the Jeopardy question....but what the hell was that trailer!?

Now, as I said above, I liked Cowboys and Aliens for what it was...just gunfight after explosion after super-powered bone club (it actually had other merits as a Western until the aliens showed up.)  I just hope that this movie tries to live within its means as the same thing.  Any chance to see what the NAVY has to offer is good with me, but these movies aren't going to be anything more than something shiny to distract you for a couple hours.

At the end of the day I thought Cowboys and Aliens was "Awesomely Horrible."  No real plot and most of what happened didn't make sense, but it would be worth the $1 at Redbox some night if you have nothing better to do.  I foresee Battleship being about the same.  I have no idea what that thing in the trailer is supposed to be, but I expect the end of the movie to zoom out to 2 kids playing the classic board-game in a colorfully painted game room. 

I was going to write something about moving (which I just did this last weekend) but watching C&A last night and seeing the Battleship trailer made me want to rant a bit.  I guess this post was kinda like the movie and didn't really accomplish anything but I've effectively taken up about 10 minutes of your time.

If you have had any horribly awesome movie experiences recently or know the name of every ship in the trailer, post it in the comments below for all of the IYLM faithful.

Oceans, And How They Are Affecting Your Child

If you're like me, you think the ocean is both the coolest and scariest place on earth.  

<---Case in point. This little guy hangs around hydrothermal vents at the bottom of the ocean and is so small that it took an electron microscope to view it.  I assume that is pretty small because even though I took AP Biology I just understand that an electron microscope is something that was way better than what we were using to see the stages of cell division in onions.  Still, things like this blow me away.  It's like God saying "take that George Lucas!" (See below). 

As cool as I think things like this little bacterium, manatees, sharks, et al are, I have what some people might consider an irrational fear of creatures of the water.  I have swam (swum, swimmed?) in the ocean and hailing from the Land of 10,000 lakes have made my fair share of forays into freshwater lakes and rivers.  The ugly truth is that in the back of my mind there is a little voice screaming at the top of his lungs to get the hell out of there.  In the ocean one might be justified with the possibility of shark or jellyfish encounters.  I know the chances are low but the Discovery Channel and Animal Planet have both fascinated and terrified me.  Even in lakes around here I cannot get over the thoughts of a muskie just waiting to take a bite out of my leg or a catfish sitting in the weeds and serrating my leg with its rows of teeth.

I like to convince myself that I do not know the cause for this distress, but to be honest I've know the cause from the moment it happened.  Let me paint you a word picture (see picture for picture).  I was a little boy, only four or five.......or six...........possibly seven but definitely not eight years old.  I loved fishing, and everything we caught was a keeper in my eyes, and as Grandpa's Lil' Fisher-Buddy I was, of course, the judge.  Turtles were cool, we raced them at the annual town festival and all everyone was happy with their little painter turtles.  Little did I know, there were other types of turtles out there.  Prime suspect number 1 in my childhood trauma: The Snapper!

Now this little guy may look friendly enough, but give him the chance and he'll take a toe off.  They also eat baby loons, and as a Minnesotan, I know it is illegal to kill our state bird.  So add at-large convict to this menace's list of evil traits.  But nature is nature, except when it's unnatural!  Did you know this guy (or girl, I apologize for how sexist I have been on this blog so far, truly unacceptable!) can live for hours while chopped into bits?  This was demonstrated to my young and fragile mind when my grandfather told me he had something "fun" to show me in a bucket downstairs.

I approached the seemingly innocent white 5-gallon bucket.  My steps were timid as I advanced.  I was soon able to start seeing over the lip of the chest-high (I was a short kid) container and what I saw was a thing of nightmares.  First there was blood, dark blood on the rim.  I convinced myself something had gotten a boo boo and was just getting better inside right?  Right!?  I was wrong.  I stared inside and something stared back.

Surrounded by a pile of squirming limbs, the beady eyes of a detached head stared into my soul and I stood paralyzed for a moment.  As it snapped it's jaws at me I snapped back to reality.  My grandpa, assuming I was enjoying myself, decided to inform me that he had cut the thing up about 2 hours earlier and that I should "watch this."  He grabbed a small plank and offered an end of it to the head of the disembodied turtle.  It latched on with its maw and would not release it.  My grandpa picked it up and out of the bucket but still the head held on.  He began to smack the head against the side of the plastic prison and eventually the unnatural demon released its grip.

I was horrified, and though I never vocalized it to my parents or grandparents, I have ever since been wary of those creatures of the deep and not-so-deep.  If that thing could do that on land, what could it do in the water, water in which I can barely move, water in which they can dart to and fro effortlessly?  The helplessness is what gets to me, that a turtle, muskie, shark, whale, manatee could just swim up at it's leisure and snack away at me.  I would rather face down a Lion on land than a Shark in the water.  If I am going down at the fins/paws of an animal I at least want to be in my own element.

I have struggled with this fear for the majority of my life, but have adapted to fit the norms of a society that has been ignorant of the true power behind these animals.  Why am I giving this information up to my friends as extra ammo in their rhetorical quiver?  Ratings of course!

Anyways, so the ocean (and lakes to a lesser extent) freak me out.  I am usually fine in the water but it is in the back of my head, just keep me out of the seaweed.  The reason this is the topic of today's blog is because of the video below.  I saw it on someone's Google+ stream and I could not stop watching this, horrified the whole time.  As much as things freak me out, it's weird things like this that make me fascinated about ocean creatures. However, this is also why I will never try squid, octopus, or any other "weird" seafoods.  Enjoy!

If you were traumatized as a child and are now afraid of things like ketchup, or have more cool pictures of ocean creatures,  spread the love in the comments below!  

J.K. Rowling (aka The Richest Classicist of All Time)

If you're like me then you have read all of the Harry Potter books and seen all the movies, including the most recent and final entry of the series "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part Deux!"

Having finished reading these books long ago, the movies are just an obligatory social event for me at this point. I've seen worse movies to be sure (i.e. Avatar), but the fanaticism with which some of my friends (who shall remain unnamed) were overtaken as we drove to the theater was lost on me.

But I am not writing this as a movie review. As a Classicist (for those who don't already know I can read Latin and I can pretend to read Classical Greek to some extent), I find the funnest part about the books and movies to be the spells Rowling has "created". Many, but not all, of the spells are based on Latin and Classical Greek. I would imagine that this is a result of Rowling being something of a Classicist herself (source - cause we're legit here at IYLM).

If you have not read the books or seen the last movie, then you must be in suspense as to whether or not the Dark Lord Voldemort defeats our young hero.  In the event that Harry is killed and a new age of darkness descends upon us muggles, I feel it is my duty to arm you with some spells to use against Death Eaters and teach you their origins so you might unleash their power!

First Spell (Resources):

accio (item) - This is a spell of summoning.  The caster must flick his or her want and speak "accio" and then the item which they wish to summon.  Appropriately enough, the word accio is simply "I summon" in Latin.  Now, if my memory serves me, this is how Harry gets his broom to come help him during the Tri-Wizard Tournament (now with 4 wizards!).  So...next time you loose your keys, tv remote, or shotgun, use this spell to help you in your battle!  DISCLAIMER:  As of this last movie it appears this spell is no longer working, they half-heartedly use it a few times and it never works so rely on at your own risk.

Second Spell (Defense):

expecto patronum - As former soulless prison guards, the Dementors sided with the Dark Lord and are now agents for carrying out some of his nefarious deeds or guarding prisoners of war.  With enough constitution, one may drive them off with this spell.  Literally meaning "I await a defender/protector," the Latin based spell takes the form of the caster's ideal depiction of hope, happiness, or joy.  If you find casting this does not drive away your enemies, try shouting the spell using capital letters.

Third Spell (Offense):

oppugno - Taken directly from the Latin word for "attack," oppugno is used in the Harry Potter corpus by Hermione in conjunction with avis to attack Ron.  Why this spell is not used more is beyond me, but I am going to suggest some more things you could "attack" with:

oppugno ursis - Should summon a pack of bears to attack your enemies.


oppugno lupis - Should summon a pack of wolves.


This last version has only been cast once before and after it was summoned it went out of control.  It took a group of brave knights to subdue the creature.  Use only in instances of dire emergency.

oppugno cuniculis caerbannog (Rabbit of Caerbannog)

Really heavy stuff.  For more spells from the Harry Potter universe, check out this page from a website called Wikipedia or something.

If you have any spells you have found particularly useful, or want me to make up an incantation for a spell of your own making, please leave such remarks in the comments below.

MJN

Justifying the Means

If you're like me then you got through High School and College with a severely addictive drug habit.  We all experiment at one time or another in our lives and most of society has accepted this particular brand of experimentation.  Whether you have used this drug recreationally, made it a daily part of your life, or simply know someone who has used or still uses this drug, you almost certainly are familiar with the epidemic that is gripping the United States and indeed the world.  I refer, of course, to the magic substance called caffeine.

There are plenty of articles out there which warn against over-using this drug. Here's one.

The Mayo clinic (you did click the link right?) asks "How much is too much?"  A valid question to be sure, and one I try to keep in mind.  I don't follow any of their guidelines really, I just know that I have been relying on it too much and now that I don't have papers and homework assignments keeping me up into the wee hours of the morning, I feel I should "free" myself from the control it has over me.

In the words of Cake: "Some people drink Pepsi, some people drink Coke, the wacky morning DJ says Democracy's a joke..." Now, I can't speak to the DJ (or rather I choose not to here), but I, for one, prefer Coke products.  For some it's Pepsi, for others it's coffee, I believe chocolate has some caffeine in it as well...but regardless of how people get this drug into their body, it is definitely big business.

For a recent college grad who will be in need of a new job in the near future, that last little bit is what matters most at this time.  Dropping $2 at the vending machine for an energy drink twice a day is wreaking havoc on my personal finances.  Still, my current job has me working 40 hours/week and that, combined with the almost 100 degree (Fahrenheit) weather we have been having in Minnesota leaves me a drained man at the end of the day with little motivation to do anything but seek out low elevations or public places with air conditioning.

Consequently, I have been having a tough time getting myself to polish my resume and look for that new job.  I had gone 3 days without caffeine prior to this post, but as I dragged myself toward the end of another work day, I caved and bought myself a magic potion that has brought me here.  To make a long post slightly less long, I have concluded that the $2 price is justified if it means gaining the motivation for finding future employment.  Now before I crash I must get to the task at hand.

If you have a love/hate relationship with caffeine, want to compliment or criticize me, or want to offer me a job, please share your stories/opinions/offers in the comments below.

MJN