Liam Neeson Will Attack You With All of His Weapons!

If you're like me, you have recently seen the action-adventure, romance, sci-fi, western, comedy, what-the-hell-is-this movie: "Cowboys and Aliens" starring Number 13, Indiana Jones, and Bond...Blonde James Bond.

 Now, I chalk it up to peer pressure that I went, what's your excuse?  I heard nothing but terrible things about this movie so I went in with pretty low expectations, and for the most part enjoyed it.  If you want a full review of this movie there are sites for that, I don't feel justified in review a movie that has been out as long as this for my mass of followers.  However, this movie, and more accurately a trailer to this movie, revealed an interesting but not unexpected look into the American movie-goer psyche: we like explosions!

Ever since the ancient Chinese gave the world fireworks as far back as the 7th Century (go Wikipedia!), explosions have fascinated the minds of Kings, Emperors, and the people on whose back they were sitting.  The "Ancient Chinese Secret" did not last however and now Americans have been blowing their fingers off ever since.

Not only do we like shiny fireworks, we get our kicks with what a three year old might call "big a-'sploshunz."  If you look at the film industry today, you don't even need a plot to rake in millions, you simply gotta blow (following adult content not suitable for children) "shit" up.  See: Battle for LA, Transformers 3, Cowboys and Aliens and now...........BATTLESHIP!

    

Go ahead and watch it, I'll wait.......

No I don't know the answer to the Jeopardy question....but what the hell was that trailer!?

Now, as I said above, I liked Cowboys and Aliens for what it was...just gunfight after explosion after super-powered bone club (it actually had other merits as a Western until the aliens showed up.)  I just hope that this movie tries to live within its means as the same thing.  Any chance to see what the NAVY has to offer is good with me, but these movies aren't going to be anything more than something shiny to distract you for a couple hours.

At the end of the day I thought Cowboys and Aliens was "Awesomely Horrible."  No real plot and most of what happened didn't make sense, but it would be worth the $1 at Redbox some night if you have nothing better to do.  I foresee Battleship being about the same.  I have no idea what that thing in the trailer is supposed to be, but I expect the end of the movie to zoom out to 2 kids playing the classic board-game in a colorfully painted game room. 

I was going to write something about moving (which I just did this last weekend) but watching C&A last night and seeing the Battleship trailer made me want to rant a bit.  I guess this post was kinda like the movie and didn't really accomplish anything but I've effectively taken up about 10 minutes of your time.

If you have had any horribly awesome movie experiences recently or know the name of every ship in the trailer, post it in the comments below for all of the IYLM faithful.

Oceans, And How They Are Affecting Your Child

If you're like me, you think the ocean is both the coolest and scariest place on earth.  

<---Case in point. This little guy hangs around hydrothermal vents at the bottom of the ocean and is so small that it took an electron microscope to view it.  I assume that is pretty small because even though I took AP Biology I just understand that an electron microscope is something that was way better than what we were using to see the stages of cell division in onions.  Still, things like this blow me away.  It's like God saying "take that George Lucas!" (See below). 

As cool as I think things like this little bacterium, manatees, sharks, et al are, I have what some people might consider an irrational fear of creatures of the water.  I have swam (swum, swimmed?) in the ocean and hailing from the Land of 10,000 lakes have made my fair share of forays into freshwater lakes and rivers.  The ugly truth is that in the back of my mind there is a little voice screaming at the top of his lungs to get the hell out of there.  In the ocean one might be justified with the possibility of shark or jellyfish encounters.  I know the chances are low but the Discovery Channel and Animal Planet have both fascinated and terrified me.  Even in lakes around here I cannot get over the thoughts of a muskie just waiting to take a bite out of my leg or a catfish sitting in the weeds and serrating my leg with its rows of teeth.

I like to convince myself that I do not know the cause for this distress, but to be honest I've know the cause from the moment it happened.  Let me paint you a word picture (see picture for picture).  I was a little boy, only four or five.......or six...........possibly seven but definitely not eight years old.  I loved fishing, and everything we caught was a keeper in my eyes, and as Grandpa's Lil' Fisher-Buddy I was, of course, the judge.  Turtles were cool, we raced them at the annual town festival and all everyone was happy with their little painter turtles.  Little did I know, there were other types of turtles out there.  Prime suspect number 1 in my childhood trauma: The Snapper!

Now this little guy may look friendly enough, but give him the chance and he'll take a toe off.  They also eat baby loons, and as a Minnesotan, I know it is illegal to kill our state bird.  So add at-large convict to this menace's list of evil traits.  But nature is nature, except when it's unnatural!  Did you know this guy (or girl, I apologize for how sexist I have been on this blog so far, truly unacceptable!) can live for hours while chopped into bits?  This was demonstrated to my young and fragile mind when my grandfather told me he had something "fun" to show me in a bucket downstairs.

I approached the seemingly innocent white 5-gallon bucket.  My steps were timid as I advanced.  I was soon able to start seeing over the lip of the chest-high (I was a short kid) container and what I saw was a thing of nightmares.  First there was blood, dark blood on the rim.  I convinced myself something had gotten a boo boo and was just getting better inside right?  Right!?  I was wrong.  I stared inside and something stared back.

Surrounded by a pile of squirming limbs, the beady eyes of a detached head stared into my soul and I stood paralyzed for a moment.  As it snapped it's jaws at me I snapped back to reality.  My grandpa, assuming I was enjoying myself, decided to inform me that he had cut the thing up about 2 hours earlier and that I should "watch this."  He grabbed a small plank and offered an end of it to the head of the disembodied turtle.  It latched on with its maw and would not release it.  My grandpa picked it up and out of the bucket but still the head held on.  He began to smack the head against the side of the plastic prison and eventually the unnatural demon released its grip.

I was horrified, and though I never vocalized it to my parents or grandparents, I have ever since been wary of those creatures of the deep and not-so-deep.  If that thing could do that on land, what could it do in the water, water in which I can barely move, water in which they can dart to and fro effortlessly?  The helplessness is what gets to me, that a turtle, muskie, shark, whale, manatee could just swim up at it's leisure and snack away at me.  I would rather face down a Lion on land than a Shark in the water.  If I am going down at the fins/paws of an animal I at least want to be in my own element.

I have struggled with this fear for the majority of my life, but have adapted to fit the norms of a society that has been ignorant of the true power behind these animals.  Why am I giving this information up to my friends as extra ammo in their rhetorical quiver?  Ratings of course!

Anyways, so the ocean (and lakes to a lesser extent) freak me out.  I am usually fine in the water but it is in the back of my head, just keep me out of the seaweed.  The reason this is the topic of today's blog is because of the video below.  I saw it on someone's Google+ stream and I could not stop watching this, horrified the whole time.  As much as things freak me out, it's weird things like this that make me fascinated about ocean creatures. However, this is also why I will never try squid, octopus, or any other "weird" seafoods.  Enjoy!

If you were traumatized as a child and are now afraid of things like ketchup, or have more cool pictures of ocean creatures,  spread the love in the comments below!